Christmas. Again.
As a non believer I have to find other reasons why Christmas is special to me. I have many, thankfully. I have memories of the joy I experienced growing up and waiting for "Santa" to come. I love seeing this and experiencing this through my childrens eyes. This morning my kids woke up and pitter pattered into the the living room and read their letter from Santa. They were so excited. I wanted to cry. We then sat and opened presents and giggled with excitement and enjoyed being together. This is what it is about to me....Traditions....Creating traditions.
I dont need a God to experience the love and excitement of Christmas. I enjoy the family and togetherness the holiday brings. Don't get me wrong....Im glad that I have friends that embrace their Gods. Congrats to the communities you guys seem to create rather then the opinions I seem to get when I say I dont believe. I just think I should point out though in a non judgemental way that I too had a nice Christmas. I experienced it my way. I too have nice Easters..I just prefer to laugh about the Easter Bunny pooping chocolate eggs instead of the religious aspects. Maybe its just me...... Merry Christmas All...Peace.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Where will I be?
Where will I be when the world crashes down?
Who will I be when there's no-one around?
What can I feel when theres no feelings at all...?
a wall....a block of emotion.....numb.
How can I smile...When there is so much pain?
Rain on a sunny day...
Clouds in a blue sky.
Who will I become when I have lost me....?
Me?
Where can I run to when theres no path to follow?
An imaginary line that I have to draw on my own.
A road with a ton of intersections.
No map to guide me
Where will I be when I realize the truth?
The world ending at a rapid pace
no turning back time
it goes on
and so do I.......
Who will I be in the end?
Who will I be when there's no-one around?
What can I feel when theres no feelings at all...?
a wall....a block of emotion.....numb.
How can I smile...When there is so much pain?
Rain on a sunny day...
Clouds in a blue sky.
Who will I become when I have lost me....?
Me?
Where can I run to when theres no path to follow?
An imaginary line that I have to draw on my own.
A road with a ton of intersections.
No map to guide me
Where will I be when I realize the truth?
The world ending at a rapid pace
no turning back time
it goes on
and so do I.......
Who will I be in the end?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Free Write 2
Today I realized I am ten years older. Ten fucking years older. It took awhile but I realized it. On 9/11/2001 I turned 22 years old. I was 6 months pregnant with my oldest son. I was newly married. I was in my early twenties! Just like that 10 years older. What happens with time? What do you do when you realize you cant have it back? Push forward....Make everything out of what you have left .....What you have left could be days...weeks...months...years...decades. You just never know. I lost a friend this week. He was 39 years old. Its not the first 39 year old I have seen die. He was about to get married and start a new life...Gone. No second chance. Gone. No mulligan because you were close but didn't quite do it right...just gone. I hope...he accomplished a portion of what he hoped for at the very least. He was a good guy.
Ten years from now...Where will I be? Where will you be ? I hope not....Gone.
Ten years from now...Where will I be? Where will you be ? I hope not....Gone.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
The Moon in the sky
You are a moon in the sky
a lullaby at bedtime
A cry of happiness
A bear hug when I'm surrounded by kittens
You are my breath of fresh air
When the forests are burning
My go to in a "moment"
A cold drink on a hot day
A sunset on the beach
Your what I desire on a not so desirable day
A painful burn with oil that is soothed by aloe
You are what seems like 20,000 miles away
at my finger tips.
You are my music when the speakers are blown
My sunshine that breaks through a cloudy day
My smile when my face is stuck in a frown
You are my upright...when I am upside down.
You are.
a lullaby at bedtime
A cry of happiness
A bear hug when I'm surrounded by kittens
You are my breath of fresh air
When the forests are burning
My go to in a "moment"
A cold drink on a hot day
A sunset on the beach
Your what I desire on a not so desirable day
A painful burn with oil that is soothed by aloe
You are what seems like 20,000 miles away
at my finger tips.
You are my music when the speakers are blown
My sunshine that breaks through a cloudy day
My smile when my face is stuck in a frown
You are my upright...when I am upside down.
You are.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
THE LONG WAY
It’s a long way home
When you can’t see straight
And the yellow lines are crossed
And your foot can’t find the brakes
When you can’t see straight
And the yellow lines are crossed
And your foot can’t find the brakes
Its a long way home when the tires are worn
When your car is shaking
The ruts keep pulling you back and forth
And you have given it too much gas.
Its a long way home when there is no road
or the road you are looking for is suddenly gone
so you take a shortcut, which leaves you stranded
Somewhere...but who knows where.
Its a long way home when your radio is blaring
and the words don't make sense
but the noise keeps you driving
The words take you somewhere....
Its a long way home when the stars don't align
and the moon isn't shining
and the streetlights are burnt out
and there''s no gas station open for directions.
Its a long way home when you don't know where it is.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
MAYBE IT'S JUST ME
Maybe it's just me
Maybe I am the luck of the draw
all the time
Maybe it's just me
Maybe I can not get it right
even when I try to get it wrong
Maybe its just me
standing in the shadows looking for the light
like the moon in the sky on a dark city night
It never compares to the country view
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I don't see the positive
when it's dancing around
or the negative when it stares me right in the eye.
Maybe it's just me...The big city girl with a small city heart
lost in an intersection of offramps that go nowhere but back to the highway
Maybe it's just me
sometimes I see it my way and no other way at all
and sometimes think i can't possibly be right
with no in between
Maybe it's just me ..too simple when really it should be complex
Too far up when really its underground
confused in the sentences that roll through my mind
on any given moment...sometimes.
Maybe it's just me
the music in the silence
the sound thats sometimes loud
even when you are whispering
about me...when it can't possibly be me you are talking about
but maybe that's just me
Over analyzing the situation when there's nothing really to talk about
When everything needs to be said with no words at all.
The girl who sees the picture
when the negative is clearly exposed
and there's nothing to develop
but it's a beautiful scene
with much ugliness..
Just me....Trying to figure out life
when ultimately it ends and you never know when
or why or how cause you aren't around..You are gone
but still here in everyones heart
Maybe it's just me
A free thinker about God or no God cause really it seems ridiculous
but hey everyone has their opinions right? So let em believe it
or challenge it...if you are like me....You wouldn't care
because maybe no one matters but me and you.....
Maybe I am the luck of the draw
all the time
Maybe it's just me
Maybe I can not get it right
even when I try to get it wrong
Maybe its just me
standing in the shadows looking for the light
like the moon in the sky on a dark city night
It never compares to the country view
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I don't see the positive
when it's dancing around
or the negative when it stares me right in the eye.
Maybe it's just me...The big city girl with a small city heart
lost in an intersection of offramps that go nowhere but back to the highway
Maybe it's just me
sometimes I see it my way and no other way at all
and sometimes think i can't possibly be right
with no in between
Maybe it's just me ..too simple when really it should be complex
Too far up when really its underground
confused in the sentences that roll through my mind
on any given moment...sometimes.
Maybe it's just me
the music in the silence
the sound thats sometimes loud
even when you are whispering
about me...when it can't possibly be me you are talking about
but maybe that's just me
Over analyzing the situation when there's nothing really to talk about
When everything needs to be said with no words at all.
The girl who sees the picture
when the negative is clearly exposed
and there's nothing to develop
but it's a beautiful scene
with much ugliness..
Just me....Trying to figure out life
when ultimately it ends and you never know when
or why or how cause you aren't around..You are gone
but still here in everyones heart
Maybe it's just me
A free thinker about God or no God cause really it seems ridiculous
but hey everyone has their opinions right? So let em believe it
or challenge it...if you are like me....You wouldn't care
because maybe no one matters but me and you.....
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Sometimes its hard to let go......
Sometimes it is hard to let go.
My son is 9. He is growing faster then I ever thought was possible. Sure people always give that advice "Enjoy them they grow fast." Really I just nodded and to myself thought..."I wish people would stop saying this". It is true though. Yesterday, it seems like....I was holding my little Ooga Booga in my arms. He was a 7 pound 2 ounce bundle of pure happiness. There was nothing in the world that could make my smile bigger. He was my baby boy. The years just flew. Today is here. Tomorrow he will be older. Who would think it could be so hard to let go? Sure I enjoy every second. Every time he turns a different age I think.."This is the best age." It always is. Sometimes its just hard to let go. I want him to enjoy life but I panic when the opportunities arise. Tomorrow is going to the coast for two days and I am literally stressed out of my mind. I want everything to be perfect. I want him to be safe. I want to be there if he hurts himself. I can't always be there and that is the hard part. Sometimes its just hard to let go. It will be a fun weekend though with Hunter..who is 6 and my second panic attack in the making. I'm not ready for him to not be my baby yet. Sometimes its just hard to let go.......My boys are amazing.
My son is 9. He is growing faster then I ever thought was possible. Sure people always give that advice "Enjoy them they grow fast." Really I just nodded and to myself thought..."I wish people would stop saying this". It is true though. Yesterday, it seems like....I was holding my little Ooga Booga in my arms. He was a 7 pound 2 ounce bundle of pure happiness. There was nothing in the world that could make my smile bigger. He was my baby boy. The years just flew. Today is here. Tomorrow he will be older. Who would think it could be so hard to let go? Sure I enjoy every second. Every time he turns a different age I think.."This is the best age." It always is. Sometimes its just hard to let go. I want him to enjoy life but I panic when the opportunities arise. Tomorrow is going to the coast for two days and I am literally stressed out of my mind. I want everything to be perfect. I want him to be safe. I want to be there if he hurts himself. I can't always be there and that is the hard part. Sometimes its just hard to let go. It will be a fun weekend though with Hunter..who is 6 and my second panic attack in the making. I'm not ready for him to not be my baby yet. Sometimes its just hard to let go.......My boys are amazing.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Stepping Stone
Along the river
Where the rocks glisten in the sun
The trees sway in the wind
Birds fly through the air.
I am a stepping stone in the sand
Im there to hold you when your fears arrive
To catch your tears on my shoulder when you feel worthless
Along the path of darkness and despair
Where the train tracks run through the valley
Where the dry grass gently sways
Where you go to forget
Im there-A stepping stone in the sand
To catch your tears on my shoulder when you feel worthless
In the dark hours of night
When the moon hovers over and shines to the ground
Rain falls on the rooftops
While lying awake thinking of the day
Im there-A stepping stone in the dark
To catch your tears on my shoulder when you feel worthless.
So Ill be your stepping stone for now
But at least thank me when you’re through
After all you wouldn’t want someone
Stepping on you….
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Kaleidoscope
It’s like a kaleidoscope sometimes looking at the world
Distorted pictures within a house of mirrors
But how do you find meaning when everything can change
A variegated pattern or scene
If you look through your box and point it to a mountain
Does it still look like a mountain
Or is it just little bits of paper all different colors
Messing with the images in your brain.
If you pointed the kaleidoscope at yourself what would others see looking into it
Would it always change
Would you be the image that you wanted them to see
Would you constantly be crashing and blending into different shapes and images
Would you still be yourself
A complicated image or being
If you pointed your pebble box to the sky
Would the stars still seem as bright or as many
Would the night re arrange
Would the stars be everything you wanted them to be
Constantly twinkling and leaving you in wonder
A endless world of universes
Colliding.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
I choose to be me
I can be hell on wheels
if hell existed
I can be tommorows stale bread
if today there was a loaf in the cupboard
I can be a doctor
with a couple hundred thousand dollars and 8 years of education
A lawyer if I could master a lie
A child-at heart
I can be a poet with words and expressions
A musician if I had rythmn
A time traveler in another dimension
I could make peace given the chance
I could make rain with a dance
I could travel to the moon with high anxiety from fear of heights
Swim across a river with a little bit of training
Run in a marathon if I put my mind to it
Climb a mountain if I knew the direction
I can smell a flower, without picking it
Tell someone when they have snot hanging out of their nose, their fly unzipped, food on their face, their shirt unbuttoned, or any other thing you wish someone would have said to you.
Yes, I can be a whole bunch of expectations
I choose to be me.
if hell existed
I can be tommorows stale bread
if today there was a loaf in the cupboard
I can be a doctor
with a couple hundred thousand dollars and 8 years of education
A lawyer if I could master a lie
A child-at heart
I can be a poet with words and expressions
A musician if I had rythmn
A time traveler in another dimension
I could make peace given the chance
I could make rain with a dance
I could travel to the moon with high anxiety from fear of heights
Swim across a river with a little bit of training
Run in a marathon if I put my mind to it
Climb a mountain if I knew the direction
I can smell a flower, without picking it
Tell someone when they have snot hanging out of their nose, their fly unzipped, food on their face, their shirt unbuttoned, or any other thing you wish someone would have said to you.
Yes, I can be a whole bunch of expectations
I choose to be me.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Peace Unknown
The kind of road that doesn't end
until you're used to the gravel
the sliding around on all four wheels
the washboards shaking your car up and down
for miles and miles
with trees on each side disappearing as you drive by
Looking for the perfect side road to back up onto
headlights off......
The kind of day the sun beats down
until your sweating uncontrollably
riding around on a bike with the family
the potholes appearing out of nowhere
for blocks and blocks
with cars bumping bass lines as they perpetrate drive-by's
looking for the perfect nature trail to explore
headgear on....
The kind of music that blares your ears
Until every thing you hear is a mild ring at the end of the show
Jamming loudly in the room
The sound screaming from all walls
for what is never long enough
with a moshing pit of people bloodied and bruised
looking for fat guy to hide behind
headset off
The feeling that shakes your soul
until your in a vulnerable anxiety attack state of panic
running uncontrollably in your mind
The thoughts coming out from all directions
for what seems like years
Angel on one shoulder devil on the other tagteam
looking for a way to escape
headache looming
Its the kind of life that surrounds my world
Until I laugh uncontrollably or slowly go insane
sound of ice cream trucks, train whistles, and car alarms all around me
for what seems like eternity
Random mixture of mankind all up and down the streets
looking for a place to fit into
Peace unknown.
until you're used to the gravel
the sliding around on all four wheels
the washboards shaking your car up and down
for miles and miles
with trees on each side disappearing as you drive by
Looking for the perfect side road to back up onto
headlights off......
The kind of day the sun beats down
until your sweating uncontrollably
riding around on a bike with the family
the potholes appearing out of nowhere
for blocks and blocks
with cars bumping bass lines as they perpetrate drive-by's
looking for the perfect nature trail to explore
headgear on....
The kind of music that blares your ears
Until every thing you hear is a mild ring at the end of the show
Jamming loudly in the room
The sound screaming from all walls
for what is never long enough
with a moshing pit of people bloodied and bruised
looking for fat guy to hide behind
headset off
The feeling that shakes your soul
until your in a vulnerable anxiety attack state of panic
running uncontrollably in your mind
The thoughts coming out from all directions
for what seems like years
Angel on one shoulder devil on the other tagteam
looking for a way to escape
headache looming
Its the kind of life that surrounds my world
Until I laugh uncontrollably or slowly go insane
sound of ice cream trucks, train whistles, and car alarms all around me
for what seems like eternity
Random mixture of mankind all up and down the streets
looking for a place to fit into
Peace unknown.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Naturally
Naturally
Shining through the sky so bright
You are my moon, my nights light
Breaking through the day at dawn
You are my sun, darkness gone.
From burdened clouds of mournful grey.
You are the rain that pounds the pave
Erupting as the seabirds cry
You are an ocean that brings the tide
Thriving on the solar rays
You are a rainbow spread out across the day
Flaming oranges catch the eye
You are the Fall leaves falling from the sky
The path of mossy ground nestled deep
You’re a spring walk through the forests trees
A lock of hair lifting off my shoulders
You are the wind that gently flutters
Nature is many things from which the world brings
Naturally
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
A True Friend
When you're looking for someone to count on,
You can always look my way.
I'll stand beside you, weak or strong
I will defend you, all life long
When you are looking for someone to believe in you
I can be that friend.
I will help you battle, good or bad
I will help you till the end.
But what I can’t promise is that dark clouds will never hover over us
Or that the future will be full of rainbows
I can’t promise you perfection
Because that’s not who I am
I can’t promise you complete happiness
Because with true love there comes pain
But I’ll try to be the best of friend that I can truly be..
Sunday, July 17, 2011
On Meaning
What is sunshine without rain
Believing without doubting
Happiness without pain
Whispering without shouting
What is light without dark
White without black
Fire without spark
Front without back
What is up without down
Breathing without air
Music without sound
Hate without care
What are hellos without goodbyes
Running without walking
Tears without eyes
Gasps without sighs
What is you without me
Flowers without dirt
Honey without bees
Gratitude without hurt
Would any of this be the same
To have one without another?
Life without meaning
Us without each other?
Believing without doubting
Happiness without pain
Whispering without shouting
What is light without dark
White without black
Fire without spark
Front without back
What is up without down
Breathing without air
Music without sound
Hate without care
What are hellos without goodbyes
Running without walking
Tears without eyes
Gasps without sighs
What is you without me
Flowers without dirt
Honey without bees
Gratitude without hurt
Would any of this be the same
To have one without another?
Life without meaning
Us without each other?
Saturday, July 16, 2011
You and I
You give me butterflies in an already unsettled stomach
Smiles on my face at daybreak
You bring music to my ears when all there is is silence
Hope to a road that goes on and on
You make me feel like I am that exception
The sunshine to your day
A finally aged wine pulled from the cellar
A flower making its first break
When the day turns to night
and the day has been long
You are there to hold on to
As I drift to sleep and get lost in thought
Its you in my dreams I go running to.
You are the moon in my night sky
The sun in the morning light
The water the fish swim in
This is us..You and I.
Smiles on my face at daybreak
You bring music to my ears when all there is is silence
Hope to a road that goes on and on
You make me feel like I am that exception
The sunshine to your day
A finally aged wine pulled from the cellar
A flower making its first break
When the day turns to night
and the day has been long
You are there to hold on to
As I drift to sleep and get lost in thought
Its you in my dreams I go running to.
You are the moon in my night sky
The sun in the morning light
The water the fish swim in
This is us..You and I.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
THE DAY OF THE DAY--By Nicholas Hill
Today was the day the sun came out
the day of the day birds were singing
Flowers were blooming
today is the day of the day kids were playing
reading and watching T.V
On the day of the day barbecues were happening
kids playing in the sun shooting baskets and having fun
on the day of the day families going to the coast
having so much fun eating popsicles and getting ready to run
the sun is beating down on us, the very hot sun
kids acting like the night will never come
kids trading baseball cards and playing sports
everybody's dressed in their swimming shorts
jumping in the pool
trying to get cool
everybody having so much fun on the day of the day
the day of the day birds were singing
Flowers were blooming
today is the day of the day kids were playing
reading and watching T.V
On the day of the day barbecues were happening
kids playing in the sun shooting baskets and having fun
on the day of the day families going to the coast
having so much fun eating popsicles and getting ready to run
the sun is beating down on us, the very hot sun
kids acting like the night will never come
kids trading baseball cards and playing sports
everybody's dressed in their swimming shorts
jumping in the pool
trying to get cool
everybody having so much fun on the day of the day
Monday, July 11, 2011
Lost without a GPS
I am lost without direction
and I'm trying to find my way
and I'm ten miles from the nearest intersection
and I'm extremely lost without my GPS
yes Im fucking lost without my gps
Some person thought it would be funny to invade
and some person thought it would be funny to take
and Im suddenly ten miles from my nearest thought
Yes Im fucking lost without my gps ...
Yes Im lost without my gps.
Yesterday I had it all programmed in
Yesterday I was pretty sure what route to take
and I thought for sure I knew which road to drive
But , Im lost without my GPS
Yes, Im insanely lost without my GPS
But Im getting used to the fact...
Life is not programmed by my GPS
Yes, life is simply not a GPS
and I'm trying to find my way
and I'm ten miles from the nearest intersection
and I'm extremely lost without my GPS
yes Im fucking lost without my gps
Some person thought it would be funny to invade
and some person thought it would be funny to take
and Im suddenly ten miles from my nearest thought
Yes Im fucking lost without my gps ...
Yes Im lost without my gps.
Yesterday I had it all programmed in
Yesterday I was pretty sure what route to take
and I thought for sure I knew which road to drive
But , Im lost without my GPS
Yes, Im insanely lost without my GPS
But Im getting used to the fact...
Life is not programmed by my GPS
Yes, life is simply not a GPS
Saturday, July 9, 2011
My Promise
A million stars couldn't compare
to my first look in your eyes
Your soft cry your golden hair
My heart just cried and cried
A thousand moons with moonlight shine
Couldn't of swept me away more
Then your gently tug on my finger tips
and the love you put forth
My son, my darling baby
I love you more than life
I promise to always be the best I can be
to take chances even when it means to fight.
I will provide you with love, with shelter, with guidance
I will lead by the best example I know
My son, my darling baby
Together we will grow.
to my first look in your eyes
Your soft cry your golden hair
My heart just cried and cried
A thousand moons with moonlight shine
Couldn't of swept me away more
Then your gently tug on my finger tips
and the love you put forth
My son, my darling baby
I love you more than life
I promise to always be the best I can be
to take chances even when it means to fight.
I will provide you with love, with shelter, with guidance
I will lead by the best example I know
My son, my darling baby
Together we will grow.
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